When are you going to have kids?
Ua cas neb tsis tau muaj me nyuam?
Without a doubt, this is the most frequent question a married couple gets asked (regardless of culture). It doesn’t simply go away once a couple has a child either. Instead, it quickly morphs into a numbers game: when are you going to have more kids? Don’t get me wrong-- I get it. It’s easy conversation fodder. I sometimes do it too. It can be hard to connect with other nyabs, especially since nyabs come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and from different backgrounds and social circles. Thus, discussion topics usually center on the commonalities that connect all nyabs: food and offspring.
Usually the inquiry comes in the form of a mirthful, all-wise quip, “Oh, you don’t have kids yet? Well, make sure you enjoy the married life before kids ruin it!” Then there’s the ticking time bomb, “My nyab had all four kids by the time she was 22. You’re old so you need to start trying now! Your body won’t hold up for much longer.” And finally, there’s the tactless inquiry, “How come you don’t have kids? Is it because you can’t have any?”
This question is either innocuous or, at most, mildly irritating. With each passing year, however, the frequency at which we are bombarded with this question increases considerably. For my husband and me, the question is not so easy and painless. We have several reasons for being childless. At first, we had to figure out if we even wanted kids. We loved having unlimited “us time” and financial freedom. Let’s be honest, it’s not easy to willingly turn down the luxury of impromptu travel, sleeping in on weekends, endless cuddle sessions. Further, I don’t like to do things just because I am expected to do it. Cultural norms dictate that a nyab’s primary duty is to serve as the main pillar of the household, and that includes providing offspring. I have lost count of the number of times an aunt/uncle/parent/cousin expressed utter shock and outrage at the fact that we were considering have a childless marriage. It’s pretty laughable.
As we grew older, our thoughts on the subject solidified a bit, and we decided that yes, we want a child. Our main concern was whether we could afford it. We don’t have any family to help with childcare and daycare costs in our region are exorbitant. So, for a long time, we wavered between yes and maybe later. If my husband left his job to stay at home, that would be a loss of more than half of our household income. Furthermore, I was not willing to leave my job either. I have personally witnessed colleagues and friends struggle to get back into their industries after taking a few years off to raise their children. Call me selfish, but I can’t do that to myself when I have spent the past 25+ years to build my career. Truthfully, we still haven’t figured this part out yet, and I don’t think we ever really will. However, we have both agreed to remain open-minded about the process. We will just have to tackle the issue when that day comes… if that day ever comes.
You see, we started trying a while ago. Like many couples, it started out pretty casual. We just figured that if it happens, great! And if it doesn’t happen, we’ll just keep trying! As several months passed, however, we started to become very worried since I have a history of very difficult and painful cycles. Thus, we have decided to seek medical help and are currently in the process of completing diagnostic tests to determine the cause of our infertility. At this point, I am quite anxious to get answers. We don’t expect to conceive immediately, but I do want to know if something is wrong. And if there is something wrong, we would like to figure out if it is something that can be fixed. If it can’t be fixed, we’ll just have to choose from the options still available to us. And that’s okay. But we need answers first.
So, looping back to that dreaded question: when are you going to have kids? Ua cas neb tsis tau muaj me nyuam? Truthfully, it’s getting harder and harder for me to answer the question. I don’t know and I’m getting tired of having to give you a reason why, so please stop asking. There is so much more to me than my ability or desire to have children.
With that said, we hope to get answers soon. I do not intend to turn this into a full-blown infertility blog. However, I do intend to share parts of my story, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone who may have the same anxieties and concerns that I do.
Ua cas neb tsis tau muaj me nyuam?
Without a doubt, this is the most frequent question a married couple gets asked (regardless of culture). It doesn’t simply go away once a couple has a child either. Instead, it quickly morphs into a numbers game: when are you going to have more kids? Don’t get me wrong-- I get it. It’s easy conversation fodder. I sometimes do it too. It can be hard to connect with other nyabs, especially since nyabs come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and from different backgrounds and social circles. Thus, discussion topics usually center on the commonalities that connect all nyabs: food and offspring.
Usually the inquiry comes in the form of a mirthful, all-wise quip, “Oh, you don’t have kids yet? Well, make sure you enjoy the married life before kids ruin it!” Then there’s the ticking time bomb, “My nyab had all four kids by the time she was 22. You’re old so you need to start trying now! Your body won’t hold up for much longer.” And finally, there’s the tactless inquiry, “How come you don’t have kids? Is it because you can’t have any?”
This question is either innocuous or, at most, mildly irritating. With each passing year, however, the frequency at which we are bombarded with this question increases considerably. For my husband and me, the question is not so easy and painless. We have several reasons for being childless. At first, we had to figure out if we even wanted kids. We loved having unlimited “us time” and financial freedom. Let’s be honest, it’s not easy to willingly turn down the luxury of impromptu travel, sleeping in on weekends, endless cuddle sessions. Further, I don’t like to do things just because I am expected to do it. Cultural norms dictate that a nyab’s primary duty is to serve as the main pillar of the household, and that includes providing offspring. I have lost count of the number of times an aunt/uncle/parent/cousin expressed utter shock and outrage at the fact that we were considering have a childless marriage. It’s pretty laughable.
As we grew older, our thoughts on the subject solidified a bit, and we decided that yes, we want a child. Our main concern was whether we could afford it. We don’t have any family to help with childcare and daycare costs in our region are exorbitant. So, for a long time, we wavered between yes and maybe later. If my husband left his job to stay at home, that would be a loss of more than half of our household income. Furthermore, I was not willing to leave my job either. I have personally witnessed colleagues and friends struggle to get back into their industries after taking a few years off to raise their children. Call me selfish, but I can’t do that to myself when I have spent the past 25+ years to build my career. Truthfully, we still haven’t figured this part out yet, and I don’t think we ever really will. However, we have both agreed to remain open-minded about the process. We will just have to tackle the issue when that day comes… if that day ever comes.
You see, we started trying a while ago. Like many couples, it started out pretty casual. We just figured that if it happens, great! And if it doesn’t happen, we’ll just keep trying! As several months passed, however, we started to become very worried since I have a history of very difficult and painful cycles. Thus, we have decided to seek medical help and are currently in the process of completing diagnostic tests to determine the cause of our infertility. At this point, I am quite anxious to get answers. We don’t expect to conceive immediately, but I do want to know if something is wrong. And if there is something wrong, we would like to figure out if it is something that can be fixed. If it can’t be fixed, we’ll just have to choose from the options still available to us. And that’s okay. But we need answers first.
So, looping back to that dreaded question: when are you going to have kids? Ua cas neb tsis tau muaj me nyuam? Truthfully, it’s getting harder and harder for me to answer the question. I don’t know and I’m getting tired of having to give you a reason why, so please stop asking. There is so much more to me than my ability or desire to have children.
With that said, we hope to get answers soon. I do not intend to turn this into a full-blown infertility blog. However, I do intend to share parts of my story, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, I can help someone who may have the same anxieties and concerns that I do.